You'll Know When You Know

It's not just normal to feel blessed sometimes. It's a goddamn necessity. But if its a necessity to feel blessed isn't it also a necessity to feel commended? Sometimes your mind has a civil war of its own trying to decide if you have reasons to get up in the morning or not. Or to rejoice about the things you have but cannot seem to value.

You know you're condemned when you put your life at stake for some but all they could care about is how much you 'just don't express'. Here you are trying to fill every void in their lives by making sacrifices unheard of. Yet all you hear is..nothingness. If the person you lay down your life for cannot see through your walls, was it love? If he cannot hear your unspoken words, was it love? If he cannot see your smeared makeup and smudged liner and realize only he holds the power to make them disappear, was it love? You tried to  convince yourself too many a times that maybe it's all for that best. But how can you be sure?
You know you're condemned when people you trust absolutely blindly,  look you dead in the eye, stare down into your soul and say there isn't anyone they trust, let alone blindly. Those moments when it hurts so bad that you become numb., unable to clarify just how much you're hurting not because it's too painful. But simply because you know that if they couldn't understand you with your guard down, how will they get you now that you've put up a 20 feet barricade.

But you also know you're blessed when he comes up to you, holds you real close and says that he doesn't understand all that you do but he will. And that he might not get everything at this moment but he has his whole life just to find out. You know you're blessed when you have found someone that doesn't always get you. Damn do you even get yourself all the time? But he makes a solemn promise to not only try now but for as long as forever. Isn't that love?
You know you're blessed when the whole world makes it its mission to get you down and the people who said they didn't trust stand behind you. Strong, proud and outnumbered. You realize then that maybe trust is subjective? Maybe their trust doesn't mean sharing silly secrets and what not. Maybe it means that when the time comes they wouldn't give a rats ass as to who is or isn't without you. Because they know they will be. No matter what. Isn't that trust?

It moments like these that make you scream into the wind for no one to hear but your own mind. You want to know whether if it's supposed be a shining positive or just another excuse to console yourself. But then you grow up. You realize life isn't fucking black and white its all grey. It cannot be good if it isn't bad. You cannot love if you cannot loathe. You cannot smile if you cannot frown. You cannot feel if you aren't vulnerable.  Maybe it isn't beautiful but it isn't horrifying either. 

Is it a blessing or is it a condemnation? How will you know, how can you know? See, that's the thing. you can't. But one day you'll wake up and there will be the tiniest of voices lurking around your mind. You'll recognize the voice because you've been hearing it since forever. But you've never really listened so you never really knew what it was saying. You listen closely and make-out what it said and you cannot help but smile with the strangest satisfaction.

"A damned blessing". Suddenly it all makes sense now.