It's not just normal to feel blessed sometimes. It's a goddamn necessity. But if its a necessity to feel blessed isn't it also a necessity to feel commended? Sometimes your mind has a civil war of its own trying to decide if you have reasons to get up in the morning or not. Or to rejoice about the things you have but cannot seem to value.
You know you're condemned when you put your life at stake for some but all they could care about is how much you 'just don't express'. Here you are trying to fill every void in their lives by making sacrifices unheard of. Yet all you hear is..nothingness. If the person you lay down your life for cannot see through your walls, was it love? If he cannot hear your unspoken words, was it love? If he cannot see your smeared makeup and smudged liner and realize only he holds the power to make them disappear, was it love? You tried to convince yourself too many a times that maybe it's all for that best. But how can you be sure?
You know you're condemned when people you trust absolutely blindly, look you dead in the eye, stare down into your soul and say there isn't anyone they trust, let alone blindly. Those moments when it hurts so bad that you become numb., unable to clarify just how much you're hurting not because it's too painful. But simply because you know that if they couldn't understand you with your guard down, how will they get you now that you've put up a 20 feet barricade.
But you also know you're blessed when he comes up to you, holds you real close and says that he doesn't understand all that you do but he will. And that he might not get everything at this moment but he has his whole life just to find out. You know you're blessed when you have found someone that doesn't always get you. Damn do you even get yourself all the time? But he makes a solemn promise to not only try now but for as long as forever. Isn't that love?
You know you're blessed when the whole world makes it its mission to get you down and the people who said they didn't trust stand behind you. Strong, proud and outnumbered. You realize then that maybe trust is subjective? Maybe their trust doesn't mean sharing silly secrets and what not. Maybe it means that when the time comes they wouldn't give a rats ass as to who is or isn't without you. Because they know they will be. No matter what. Isn't that trust?
It moments like these that make you scream into the wind for no one to hear but your own mind. You want to know whether if it's supposed be a shining positive or just another excuse to console yourself. But then you grow up. You realize life isn't fucking black and white its all grey. It cannot be good if it isn't bad. You cannot love if you cannot loathe. You cannot smile if you cannot frown. You cannot feel if you aren't vulnerable. Maybe it isn't beautiful but it isn't horrifying either.
Is it a blessing or is it a condemnation? How will you know, how can you know? See, that's the thing. you can't. But one day you'll wake up and there will be the tiniest of voices lurking around your mind. You'll recognize the voice because you've been hearing it since forever. But you've never really listened so you never really knew what it was saying. You listen closely and make-out what it said and you cannot help but smile with the strangest satisfaction.
"A damned blessing". Suddenly it all makes sense now.
Have you ever missed somebody so much that the thought of them not with you hurts your stomach? It hurts you so much that every time you think about it, it brings you down to your knees. You can't cry or grieve about it. Cause you're afraid that once you start, you won't be able to stop and it'll consume you. Destroy you.
Have you ever hated yourself for letting somebody hold that much power over you? That them not being there makes your steady feet shake and bring you down. But then you wonder if they feel the same way. But it's the not knowing that hurts the most. The worst.
Have you ever tried to distract yourself? Through delusions, false pretense, fake expectations, false hope, unrealistic behavior, useless hobbies, mindless people, senseless actions, imaginary problems, temporary solutions? Have you?
Have you ever wondered what will happen when you'll have to address the situation head on? If you're capable to do so. Then again you don't know what the situation is. What might happen, what could happen or even what has happened. Frustrating? Definitely. But you'd rather deal with hypothesis than reality. Have you ever felt that way?
Have you ever felt so lonely that even a midst a crowd you manage to hear your own thoughts running through your head? Like all that noise around you dulls down to almost a mute and all you're left with is the blaring sound of silence that you were once running from. It then becomes as if you're in two different places at one. You're still there in the crowd smiling, waving, making small talk. And you're also there in 'The Forest' as I like to call it, alone with your thoughts so deep, that sometimes you have to remind yourself that it's all in your mind.
Have you ever felt as if everything around you is just temporary? Well it is. Needless to say we, however , find ways to convince ourselves otherwise till an extend when that lie becomes our truth. But these moments of heart break, despair, pain, loneliness, these real emotions wake you up. Depending on who are are, it even changes you and your beliefs, for good. Note how 'Good' is subjective. And you can't help but wonder to yourself, ' Is it ? Am I really changing for the better. Or to make myself feel better? ' .
Have you ever realized that once you go to your Forest, you never really come back? A part of you will always reside there. Happy. But most of you will be guided back to 'real life' where you'll once again live, learn and love. Hurt and be hurt. Because people around you will tell you that is this normal. And that it is part of life. But you now know better.
You now know that no matter what they say or do it'll never bring back the part you lost. Might be in the form of trust, confidence, positivism or even hope. But you'll not fight the norms. You'll smile and nod showing you agree. Cause let's face it. You'd rather be done with them as soon as possible so you can go back to the Forest and just...be.
Have you ever wondered where the story ends and how it all began? I do.
What if you hadn't done what you did?
Would it change who you already are?
What if you didn't turn your back?
Would it change what you didn't want to look at?
What if you did take that path?
Wouldn't you have been wondering the same then?
What if you hadn't been hurt?
Would you know what you could bear?
What if you stopped questioning yourself?
Who would teach you about yourself?
What if everyone just believed?
Would they all be asking 'What if' ?
