Unspoken

Somethings are too hard for you to say. So you don't. Once you've experienced that feeling of being ripped apart, inside out, you won't ever cross paths with that situation. Ever. Even if you are free falling in the pit of despair, you stay quite. Secretly hoping no ones asks if you're okay. Cause you don't want to lie and you don't want to tell them the truth.
So you stay up all night. And cry. Alone, Let it out. Fake it the morning. Do it all over again. Without ever saying a word.

It's On Again - There's No Day Off For Heroes.

How do you say something you have no words for? Is it possible to say anything at all then? Its not shyness. Its not indifference. It's plain and simple respect. Because you feel like nothing you do or say will ever come close to how you feel and you don't want to belittle that oh so special emotion. If it begins with respect, it is already or will turn into affection, and soon enough love.

Will you call these people introverted? No, they don't have a problem with making friends. Shy? No, they're chill  with social gatherings. Inexpressive is the term these people get categorized into. But is it what they do? Not express? Do they not shed tears when they're hurt, or laugh when they're happy, or raise their voices with you when they are angry? Are these not expressions? Are these not human communication through expressions? Then why are we saying they are 'Inexpressive' when clearly all they are doing is preserving special emotions.

But you don't always understand that. There's a fine line between indifference and respect for the emotions. And its for the lines to get blurry. Even easier for people to misinterpret. People fall out. Fights occur. Relations break. It seems all bad doesn't it?

That's cause we're missing the silver lining. See when people fall out, the ones who were meant to be, meant to understand the other person will come back. Not once. Not twice. But repeatedly. Because their relation was based on respect. Which had or will turn into love once again. It's not a one stop journey. Its a continuous process. It'll stop. But it'll be on again. Patience and perseverance will get you through. If it doesn't don't panic. It was never meant to be, it's all in the heart.

Strange Love

You can't help but feel powerless. It's as if your mind and your heart are at a civil war of their own. You know how you feel. But you can't say it out loud. Because the moment you do it becomes the truth. 

You wish you could feel its lovely golden warmth. But you can't escape from the selfishness it draws as well. Or the pain. Or the worry. The insecurities. The loneliness. But most importantly the vulnerabilities. 

It will consume you sooner or later. There no point trying to evade the inevitable. What's worse is denial. Trying to convince yourself otherwise, that this isn't happening.For people who have just gotten up from the ashes, or from nearly the edge of insanity, feeling again is hard. Not impossible. But damn near close.

It's hard because you know how much they can burn you. They don't have to be standing too far away for you to feel lonely. Or say hurtful words for it to hurt. Or look away for you to feel invisible. You're afraid of what they might do to you when they aren't trying. 

God forbid the day comes when they decide to try. 

Ressurections

Its relatively easy to sit down on the other end of the line and think of solutions. Be it in the form of consolation, advice or just words that will comfort, or better yet they hope they will comfort. To be on the receiving end however, it's safe to say that the experience is somewhat different.
Your life isn't easy. Whose is? It pushes you to edges you didn't know existed. Its shows you things you didn't know you could see. It enables you to feel what you thought could not be felt. And many a times these brief periods where, you are essentially exposed in the realm of your own limitless possibilities, prove to be more than you can absorb. At least on your own. Solution you ask? Human nature will compel you to confide in your partners. Talk to them about it. But little do you realize the complications you bring upon yourself.


You see the tings you feel will never ever be comprehensible to anyone but yourself. What people mean when they say 'I know how you feel' is that ' I understand the circumstance and how I would react to it. You are irrelevant to that but I'll still pretend to give a fuck'. Now you might think that I am wrong and maybe so but believe me when I say everyone cares at first, it's the ones who still care after the fist hundreds that are true. Plot twist? They don't exist.
People who you think 'like' helping you out are either killing time or making themselves feel better by helping out a ratchet hot mess. You know this because what follows is them telling you things like 'you know you should be more strong', 'you should show less emotions', or classics like ' I don't think you're being your strongest'.
So now they have a legal patent to put such horrendous stamps on you. Because you invited them to do so. You cannot hand down the scripts of a movie to be read and not expect criticism. So can you complain about it? No. But learn from it? Most definitely. 
See when you bring others into your mindset, not only do they bring their own projections of themselves but projections of you too. So the 'advice' you'll be getting is simply them stating what they think you should do cause of how they view you. Do you really want to give someone that luxury?


The best way to deal with all he voices in your head clawing at your brain is to put on a shield of indifference. Not channeled towards anyone but towards your own demons who will be telling you to do so so much. It's better to get back up on your own no matter how much harder. That way you'll know for sure that those suckers inside your head have been put to rest because only you yourself hold the key to that.

You'd rather be laying down on the floor by the bed at night, facing the window and feel the cold beneath you. You'd feel much empowered to to be crying off your face within bound walls then be exposed. To hear nothing but the dull sound of your own sobbing overshadowed by the acute noises the voices conjure. To be left alone and awake with your thoughts at night , not knowing how the night ends, that's the climb that we ought to appreciate.

There are always going to be  more mountains. And you're always going to want to move them or move around them. The choice should be yours and yours solely. So that years from now when you look back you will not regret. The thing you want to remember though is the climb. How you over came it all alone and confused and against all odds. To be laying there at night with a blade in your hand and not cut yourself, to have pills around you and not take them, or likes as such, that is self achievement. That is resurrection. 

A Way In

Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.
Given the choice, I'd rather tune into my Forest and never ever leave. How can you ever?

I found a picture I've been dreaming of since as long as I can remember. As much as I want to have it all to myself, I want to share it with others looking for their Forest too.

You'll Know When You Know

It's not just normal to feel blessed sometimes. It's a goddamn necessity. But if its a necessity to feel blessed isn't it also a necessity to feel commended? Sometimes your mind has a civil war of its own trying to decide if you have reasons to get up in the morning or not. Or to rejoice about the things you have but cannot seem to value.

You know you're condemned when you put your life at stake for some but all they could care about is how much you 'just don't express'. Here you are trying to fill every void in their lives by making sacrifices unheard of. Yet all you hear is..nothingness. If the person you lay down your life for cannot see through your walls, was it love? If he cannot hear your unspoken words, was it love? If he cannot see your smeared makeup and smudged liner and realize only he holds the power to make them disappear, was it love? You tried to  convince yourself too many a times that maybe it's all for that best. But how can you be sure?
You know you're condemned when people you trust absolutely blindly,  look you dead in the eye, stare down into your soul and say there isn't anyone they trust, let alone blindly. Those moments when it hurts so bad that you become numb., unable to clarify just how much you're hurting not because it's too painful. But simply because you know that if they couldn't understand you with your guard down, how will they get you now that you've put up a 20 feet barricade.

But you also know you're blessed when he comes up to you, holds you real close and says that he doesn't understand all that you do but he will. And that he might not get everything at this moment but he has his whole life just to find out. You know you're blessed when you have found someone that doesn't always get you. Damn do you even get yourself all the time? But he makes a solemn promise to not only try now but for as long as forever. Isn't that love?
You know you're blessed when the whole world makes it its mission to get you down and the people who said they didn't trust stand behind you. Strong, proud and outnumbered. You realize then that maybe trust is subjective? Maybe their trust doesn't mean sharing silly secrets and what not. Maybe it means that when the time comes they wouldn't give a rats ass as to who is or isn't without you. Because they know they will be. No matter what. Isn't that trust?

It moments like these that make you scream into the wind for no one to hear but your own mind. You want to know whether if it's supposed be a shining positive or just another excuse to console yourself. But then you grow up. You realize life isn't fucking black and white its all grey. It cannot be good if it isn't bad. You cannot love if you cannot loathe. You cannot smile if you cannot frown. You cannot feel if you aren't vulnerable.  Maybe it isn't beautiful but it isn't horrifying either. 

Is it a blessing or is it a condemnation? How will you know, how can you know? See, that's the thing. you can't. But one day you'll wake up and there will be the tiniest of voices lurking around your mind. You'll recognize the voice because you've been hearing it since forever. But you've never really listened so you never really knew what it was saying. You listen closely and make-out what it said and you cannot help but smile with the strangest satisfaction.

"A damned blessing". Suddenly it all makes sense now.

Have you ever?

Have you ever missed somebody so much that the thought of them not with you hurts your stomach? It hurts you so much that every time you think about it, it brings you down to your knees. You can't cry or grieve about it. Cause you're afraid that once you start, you won't be able to stop and it'll consume you. Destroy you. 
Have you ever hated yourself for letting somebody hold that much power over you? That them not being there makes your steady feet shake and bring you down. But then you wonder if they feel the same way. But it's the not knowing that hurts the most. The worst.  
Have you ever tried to distract yourself? Through delusions, false pretense, fake expectations, false hope, unrealistic behavior, useless hobbies, mindless people, senseless actions, imaginary problems, temporary solutions? Have you?
Have you ever wondered what will happen when you'll have to address the situation head on? If you're capable to do so. Then again you don't know what the situation is. What might happen, what could happen or even what has happened. Frustrating? Definitely. But you'd rather deal with hypothesis than reality. Have you ever felt that way?

Have you ever felt so lonely that even a midst a crowd you manage to hear your own thoughts running through your head? Like all that noise around you dulls down to almost a mute and all you're left with is the blaring sound of silence that you were once running from. It then becomes as if you're in two different places at one. You're still there in the crowd smiling, waving, making small talk. And you're also there in 'The Forest' as I like to call it, alone with your thoughts so deep, that sometimes you have to remind yourself that it's all in your mind. 

Have you ever felt as if everything around you is just temporary? Well it is. Needless to say we, however , find ways to convince ourselves otherwise till an extend when that lie becomes our truth. But these moments of heart break, despair, pain, loneliness, these real emotions wake you up. Depending on who are are, it even changes you and your beliefs, for good. Note how 'Good' is subjective. And you can't help but wonder to yourself, ' Is it ? Am I really changing for the better. Or to make myself feel better? ' .
Have you ever realized that once you go to your Forest, you never really come back? A part of you will always reside there. Happy. But most of you will be guided back to 'real life' where you'll once again live, learn and love. Hurt and be hurt. Because people around you will tell you that is this normal. And that it is part of life. But you now know better. 
You now know that no matter what they say or do it'll never bring back the part you lost. Might be in the form of trust, confidence, positivism or even hope. But you'll not fight the norms. You'll smile and nod showing you agree. Cause let's face it. You'd rather be done with them as soon as possible so you can go back to the Forest and just...be. 
Have you ever wondered where the story ends and how it all began? I do.

What If

What if you hadn't done what you did?
Would it change who you already are?

What if you didn't turn your back?
Would it change what you didn't want to look at?

What if you did take that path?
Wouldn't you have been wondering the same then?

What if you hadn't been hurt?
Would you know what you could bear?

What if you stopped questioning yourself?
Who would teach you about yourself?

What if everyone just believed?
Would they all be asking 'What if' ?