I know

There are days I have you but you're too far away to reach

Your body stares at me, trapped possibly while your soul roams free 

Somewhere else, Somewhere very very far away from me. 

On some of those days I smile. Because I know you don't want to hurt me. I know you care. I also know you'd be at peace believing I can't see through your facade. Believing I'm happy. So I hold my breath and shut out the voices in the head and I smile. I smile so you don't know that I see your empty shell. I smile so you can tell yourself its all okay. I smile and laugh, and sing a little too because I guess we're all putting on a show. Those days are my turn to shine. 

But on other days, my voices get too loud. I swear I keep them chained. But they know where I keep the key too well by now. I don't have new hiding spots anymore. They ask me questions I don't have the answer to, and the smile weakens. They take me on a trip to all the times I had smiled for you. They show me all the reasons why things are this way, maybe all because of the several flaws engraved on my skin. I get on this train that goes backward and stops at the lowest points in my life and I find the voices there showing me, convincing me how it is all me. The trip doesn't end until my smile breaks.

On those days I can't unsee. I can't ignore what I know and I can't give you what you want. On those days I break and give you a glimpse of my mind. I tell you I know. And it hurts me to tell you it does, but I can't help it. A part of me hopes for confirmation. While the other dreads it. The two emotions lie within me beautifully intertwined, delicately balanced, like a havoc waiting to happen.

On those days, I see you and it breaks my heart. Not because of your confirmation, but because I see it hurting you too. I wish I could ease your little heart. I wish I could tell you I feel the same way, but that'd be a lie. It couldn't be more of a lie.

Afterwards, it take a while before I can start the show over again. In the meantime I lie, I push you, I shove away the bleak but good bits, I embrace the bad, all in an aftermath of chaos inside my mind that you can't understand or see. 
All because I know. Everyday and every time, on your days when you don't love me. And I wish everyday that my mind didn't overthink, that my heart didn't feel as much, that my eyes didn't catch that look on your face when I asked you if everything was okay, or my ears didn't hear your stutter when you said you missed me, I wish I was someone else completely, cause maybe then,just maybe I wouldn't know how you're out of love with me. 
But damn. In the end, I still know. I always have and I still do. I just know. 

An untold story

A simple act of over-sleeping interpreted as a mischievous act of defiance. 'Red eyes!?', they'll say, ' Must be from the drugs she's using!'. The thought of the reason being just from over sleeping will never cross their minds. Because in their minds, you are a shadow of someone they think they know. The picture they paint of you isn't of someone finding their way, its of someone being nothing but rebellious. And once a pretty picture is painted and completed, all the ethanol in the world doesn't get you a new canvas now does it? So all you can do is dab it on, little at a time, hoping to make a change worth noticing in an infinite amount of time.

The people who were on the other line, trying to stop the tears, will be marked as the culprits. They will be known to bring nothing but bad shit into your life while in reality, you know if it weren't from them, the cabinet filled with sleeping pills would have had to be refilled way too often. And if it gets real bad, they might even try to keep away these friends away from you, sabotage your friendship or worse. Make them leave you. You'd be surprised how easily that can be done when wanted with all heart and soul. And after a while, when you learn to numb shit out, live inside a safe bubble, those people will device new methods to wear your bubble thin. You'll be constantly worried that they might break through and destroy the little of you left, so you run. Not just away from them, but every possible way you imagine they can reach you. And yes. Your imagination will get the better of you sometimes, but its a choice you make repeatedly. Cause you think to yourself, its better to be irrational and think of EVERY possible way they can cause you pain and put up a sheild, instead of leaving the door open for even a little pain to creep in. Cause even that littlest bit might be too much, well at least now.

When the world trusts you, holds your promises true, confides in you cause they believe your integrity, 'they' will see nothing but dishonesty. A mystery. Unwinding bad deeds. False intentions. Fake promises. A terror story in all honesty. No matter how much grief you take on, they'll give you more cause from where they see, it affects you little, or they just see plain ignorance. If only they knew the routine acts behind closed doors that prove otherwise. 

I guess its ironic that way. Spending a lifetime to earn the love of the 'loved ones'. To want nothing more than for them to just..see. Who you are, what you do after a sad movie, or which time of the day you get lonely, or which bloody song makes you smile, or just to learn to differentiate disappointment in yourself, from anger or acting out on them. The littlest things that make you, well you. 

Its nothing like being betrayed, or hurt or even left. Its an unparalleled pain. With time it becomes the constant headache you grow accustomed to. Not realizing its the source of all the other little darkness you draw in. A pain often unrecognized and more often, untold. 

There is no pain greater and dearer, than being misunderstood by the ones you hold dearest. 

THIS 

Liberation

The best part about having someone to call yours is being able to be mentally naked without having to fear. Without having to fear that they'd see the real you and run. Without the fear of being looked at like you have a filthy soul. Without having to tone down the depth of your emotions cause you know they'd meet you half way if not ALL the way. without the fear of them seeing your bare emotions and seeing weakness. 

But then sometimes when you take down the wall you had taken years to build for someone, they don't realize how hard it is for you to break down in-front of them, how excruciating it is to talk about pain, about hurt. Cause they are the only one you are capable to do it with. 

In rare cases, they perceive it as weakness. And the moment you hear their unspoken words, you feel it. You feel it back. The wall come back up stronger than ever. You begin to make sense of everything. How your words were ignored, how they were not given enough value, how they were not prioritized, how they were looked down on, how they were perceived as something they were not. 
So you stop. Bottle up all your shit and take it back. Put it behind the wall. Keep it all safe there. Away from people and how they look at it. So how do you feel better about crap without talking about them? Write. To yourself. Look at them when you forget who hurt you. Look at them who had gone out of their to help. Look to just remind yourself how strong and brave you were to had made it. If they see anything but strength in you, then they are trying to change you. 
DON'T LET THEM.

Unspoken

Somethings are too hard for you to say. So you don't. Once you've experienced that feeling of being ripped apart, inside out, you won't ever cross paths with that situation. Ever. Even if you are free falling in the pit of despair, you stay quite. Secretly hoping no ones asks if you're okay. Cause you don't want to lie and you don't want to tell them the truth.
So you stay up all night. And cry. Alone, Let it out. Fake it the morning. Do it all over again. Without ever saying a word.

It's On Again - There's No Day Off For Heroes.

How do you say something you have no words for? Is it possible to say anything at all then? Its not shyness. Its not indifference. It's plain and simple respect. Because you feel like nothing you do or say will ever come close to how you feel and you don't want to belittle that oh so special emotion. If it begins with respect, it is already or will turn into affection, and soon enough love.

Will you call these people introverted? No, they don't have a problem with making friends. Shy? No, they're chill  with social gatherings. Inexpressive is the term these people get categorized into. But is it what they do? Not express? Do they not shed tears when they're hurt, or laugh when they're happy, or raise their voices with you when they are angry? Are these not expressions? Are these not human communication through expressions? Then why are we saying they are 'Inexpressive' when clearly all they are doing is preserving special emotions.

But you don't always understand that. There's a fine line between indifference and respect for the emotions. And its for the lines to get blurry. Even easier for people to misinterpret. People fall out. Fights occur. Relations break. It seems all bad doesn't it?

That's cause we're missing the silver lining. See when people fall out, the ones who were meant to be, meant to understand the other person will come back. Not once. Not twice. But repeatedly. Because their relation was based on respect. Which had or will turn into love once again. It's not a one stop journey. Its a continuous process. It'll stop. But it'll be on again. Patience and perseverance will get you through. If it doesn't don't panic. It was never meant to be, it's all in the heart.

Strange Love

You can't help but feel powerless. It's as if your mind and your heart are at a civil war of their own. You know how you feel. But you can't say it out loud. Because the moment you do it becomes the truth. 

You wish you could feel its lovely golden warmth. But you can't escape from the selfishness it draws as well. Or the pain. Or the worry. The insecurities. The loneliness. But most importantly the vulnerabilities. 

It will consume you sooner or later. There no point trying to evade the inevitable. What's worse is denial. Trying to convince yourself otherwise, that this isn't happening.For people who have just gotten up from the ashes, or from nearly the edge of insanity, feeling again is hard. Not impossible. But damn near close.

It's hard because you know how much they can burn you. They don't have to be standing too far away for you to feel lonely. Or say hurtful words for it to hurt. Or look away for you to feel invisible. You're afraid of what they might do to you when they aren't trying. 

God forbid the day comes when they decide to try. 

Ressurections

Its relatively easy to sit down on the other end of the line and think of solutions. Be it in the form of consolation, advice or just words that will comfort, or better yet they hope they will comfort. To be on the receiving end however, it's safe to say that the experience is somewhat different.
Your life isn't easy. Whose is? It pushes you to edges you didn't know existed. Its shows you things you didn't know you could see. It enables you to feel what you thought could not be felt. And many a times these brief periods where, you are essentially exposed in the realm of your own limitless possibilities, prove to be more than you can absorb. At least on your own. Solution you ask? Human nature will compel you to confide in your partners. Talk to them about it. But little do you realize the complications you bring upon yourself.


You see the tings you feel will never ever be comprehensible to anyone but yourself. What people mean when they say 'I know how you feel' is that ' I understand the circumstance and how I would react to it. You are irrelevant to that but I'll still pretend to give a fuck'. Now you might think that I am wrong and maybe so but believe me when I say everyone cares at first, it's the ones who still care after the fist hundreds that are true. Plot twist? They don't exist.
People who you think 'like' helping you out are either killing time or making themselves feel better by helping out a ratchet hot mess. You know this because what follows is them telling you things like 'you know you should be more strong', 'you should show less emotions', or classics like ' I don't think you're being your strongest'.
So now they have a legal patent to put such horrendous stamps on you. Because you invited them to do so. You cannot hand down the scripts of a movie to be read and not expect criticism. So can you complain about it? No. But learn from it? Most definitely. 
See when you bring others into your mindset, not only do they bring their own projections of themselves but projections of you too. So the 'advice' you'll be getting is simply them stating what they think you should do cause of how they view you. Do you really want to give someone that luxury?


The best way to deal with all he voices in your head clawing at your brain is to put on a shield of indifference. Not channeled towards anyone but towards your own demons who will be telling you to do so so much. It's better to get back up on your own no matter how much harder. That way you'll know for sure that those suckers inside your head have been put to rest because only you yourself hold the key to that.

You'd rather be laying down on the floor by the bed at night, facing the window and feel the cold beneath you. You'd feel much empowered to to be crying off your face within bound walls then be exposed. To hear nothing but the dull sound of your own sobbing overshadowed by the acute noises the voices conjure. To be left alone and awake with your thoughts at night , not knowing how the night ends, that's the climb that we ought to appreciate.

There are always going to be  more mountains. And you're always going to want to move them or move around them. The choice should be yours and yours solely. So that years from now when you look back you will not regret. The thing you want to remember though is the climb. How you over came it all alone and confused and against all odds. To be laying there at night with a blade in your hand and not cut yourself, to have pills around you and not take them, or likes as such, that is self achievement. That is resurrection.