I know

There are days I have you but you're too far away to reach

Your body stares at me, trapped possibly while your soul roams free 

Somewhere else, Somewhere very very far away from me. 

On some of those days I smile. Because I know you don't want to hurt me. I know you care. I also know you'd be at peace believing I can't see through your facade. Believing I'm happy. So I hold my breath and shut out the voices in the head and I smile. I smile so you don't know that I see your empty shell. I smile so you can tell yourself its all okay. I smile and laugh, and sing a little too because I guess we're all putting on a show. Those days are my turn to shine. 

But on other days, my voices get too loud. I swear I keep them chained. But they know where I keep the key too well by now. I don't have new hiding spots anymore. They ask me questions I don't have the answer to, and the smile weakens. They take me on a trip to all the times I had smiled for you. They show me all the reasons why things are this way, maybe all because of the several flaws engraved on my skin. I get on this train that goes backward and stops at the lowest points in my life and I find the voices there showing me, convincing me how it is all me. The trip doesn't end until my smile breaks.

On those days I can't unsee. I can't ignore what I know and I can't give you what you want. On those days I break and give you a glimpse of my mind. I tell you I know. And it hurts me to tell you it does, but I can't help it. A part of me hopes for confirmation. While the other dreads it. The two emotions lie within me beautifully intertwined, delicately balanced, like a havoc waiting to happen.

On those days, I see you and it breaks my heart. Not because of your confirmation, but because I see it hurting you too. I wish I could ease your little heart. I wish I could tell you I feel the same way, but that'd be a lie. It couldn't be more of a lie.

Afterwards, it take a while before I can start the show over again. In the meantime I lie, I push you, I shove away the bleak but good bits, I embrace the bad, all in an aftermath of chaos inside my mind that you can't understand or see. 
All because I know. Everyday and every time, on your days when you don't love me. And I wish everyday that my mind didn't overthink, that my heart didn't feel as much, that my eyes didn't catch that look on your face when I asked you if everything was okay, or my ears didn't hear your stutter when you said you missed me, I wish I was someone else completely, cause maybe then,just maybe I wouldn't know how you're out of love with me. 
But damn. In the end, I still know. I always have and I still do. I just know.